Hardcore Hills
by Gerald Fogg
Summary: After Hank catches Bobby on a porn site, he turns the whole household upside down.
1. Studying

"Stay in your room and apply yourself, young man!"

One day, Bobby (or, "Bobbeh," as his father called him), was in his bedroom. He was in hot water over his day at school. He had thrown dead frogs at girls in science class, because there was no way he was going to dissect them, he had screamed at his teachers over nothing, and worst of all, he had gotten a D+ on his history test. D was the last grade before F - failure. And God knows how he got away without detention that day. Now he had to study on the computer.

"Chapter Nine... The Constitution is one of the most important... documents in... Ameeeerricccaaa..." He dozed off, then caught himself in the nick of time. "Dang it, I hate history," Bobby sighed.

"Do you hate your life right now?" A man suddenly appeared on his laptop screen. "Are you as bored as heck?"

"No, I'm actually as bored as hell," muttered Bobby.

"Are you also as bored as..." The screen suddenly went to a test pattern.

"Yes! Yes! I am!" screamed Bobby desperately.

The man reappeared. "Do you want to learn how to make your own lemonade? Do you want to make your lemonade the best in the world?"

"Um, OK!" Bobby didn't care what the man wanted him to do, even if it was as silly as learning a new recipe.

"Well, come on over to Lemonparty." The man began to dance like an idiot and break into a catchy jingle. "That's L-e-m-o-n-p-a-r-t-y-dot-com!"

Out of curiosity, Bobby clicked the link in the ad. Suddenly, a picture of a thong-clad lady appeared on the screen. He almost puked. But he actually got a funny feeling when he saw that picture. So, he went into the site and found a picture of four men, living all together, but not sleeping alone, if you know what I mean.

Pretty soon, his "own personal garden hose that watered his potatoes" elongated, and he started to watch some videos...

"Honey, where's Bobby?" asked Peggy as she set the table for supper. They were having steak, grilled with propane, of course, some salad, and chocolate cake for dessert.

"I told Bobbeh to go to his room and study because of what happened at school today," Hank replied. "Bobbehhh! Dinnertime!" he called, cupping his hands over his mouth.

No reply.

"We got your favorite dessert after dinner!" added Peggy. "Chocolate brandy cake with hazelnut frosting!"

Still, no reply.

"I'm going in there," Hank finally decided.

He walked down the hall to Bobby's room. The door was closed.

"Bobbeh, did you hear me? You can come out now, it's time to eat!"

The only reply he got was what sounded like moaning.

Hank opened the door and walked in. "Dang it, BobbeeeaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

* * *

Hank's friends, Dale, the bug exterminator of Arlen, Boomhauer, who had a unique way of saying things, and Bill, the bald man, joined him on the curb in front of his house.

Hank opened his can of Alamo Beer, but opened it too quickly, and as a result, got sprayed in the face with beer.

The gentle music suddenly got interrupted by LOUD rock music.

As the day dragged on, the four men did nothing but talk and drink as cars drove by and the sun moved through the sky. Bobby rode by on his bike, and rode around and around the four friends, until he got dizzy and crashed offscreen. The family dog, Ladybird, came by and crapped on Hank's and Bill's shoes, much to their disgust. Luanne drove off to the mall, but not before stealing Hank's wallet.

Then, Hank's buddies were gone and the cooler was empty. Peggy handed her spouse a bag of garbage. He snatched it from her, and whacked her in the face with it. As it slung around, it knocked the screen and cracked it a bit. Peggy got up and put the trash in the garbage herself.

Then, Hank, Peggy, and Bobby all got together, the parents in back, and son in front, and all just stared at the camera with bored expressions on their faces.

Then, Peggy and Bobby shrieked as Hank's head suddenly popped off and flew into the orange sky. It got trapped in a bubble, spun around for a bit, and got flanked by the show's title. The opening sequence ended with Hank's head looking at the camera sadly.


	2. Dinnertime

"D'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Hank had just walked in on one of the most horrifying sights he'd ever seen. Bobby was on his laptop. But he wasn't "applying himself" like Hank wanted him to. Instead, Hank found his son on 4-chan, watching pornographic videos on his computer and tugging his tiger. He had a container of oleomargarine (FYI, that's the fancy word for margarine) on his dresser. Bobby took some out of the container and used it to polish his sword.

"Hey, Dad, why are you screaming and sweating so much?" Bobby asked innocently.

"Son!" Hank was now furious. "What the hell do you think you're doing!? Now get off that got-dang laptop right now, young man!"

"But, Dad." Bobby hesitantly attempted to come up with a believable, or at least, reasonable lie to get out of this situation. "...God told me to do it Dad!"

"BWAAAA!" bellowed Hank.

Well, that obviously didn't work, thought Bobby, that just made him even angrier!

"God did not tell you to do anything!" screamed Hank in **blistering fury**.

"Dad...?" Bobby's voice got really small.

"Bobbeh Hill, no cake for you tonight!" continued Hank. "And now, since I can't trust you anymore, you'll be using books to study instead of your laptop! That's hundreds of dollars wasted every year on gas just to drive you across town to the library! And after dinner, we're going to have to talk to you."

Hank took the laptop and began to walk out of the room with it. "Dad, what are you doing with my computer?" Now very upset, Bobby chased Hank down the hallway.

Hank said nothing, but kept walking. He opened the sliding glass door to the back patio.

"DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY COMPUTER?!" repeated Bobby.

Not wanting to make the evening even worse, Hank fibbed, "Uh, we burnt your cake by accident and I forgot the recipe, so, em, I need to use your laptop to find it again."

"Why are you going outside, Dad?"

"Son, you know EVERYTHING tastes better with propane!"

"You're grilling my cake with propane outside?" Bobby raised an eyebrow.

"Uh, sure, Bobbeh boy."

"Thanks for letting me have dessert tonight Dad," Bobby said, relieved.

Hank closed the sliding glass door. He looked at the internet history. Bobby had gone on at least six different porn sites. Enraged, he turned on the grill. "That boy ain't right..." As it warmed up, he pulled out a hammer. He was making a "special" dessert for Bobby.

* * *

As the smashed computer parts cooked on the grill, Hank added some propane for good measure. Giant flames exploded on the grill. He went back inside. Bobby ate in silence, while his parents had a whisper-conversation.

"What did Bobby do that made you so angry?" Peggy asked, taking a bite of salad.

"One word: pornography," answered Hank.

Peggy dropped her fork in shock. "MY son saw PORN? Why was he watching porn? He doesn't usually w..."

"OH, MY GOD, IT'S SO JUICY!" Hank screamed as he chewed his steak, interrupting the conversation. Bobby and Peggy stared with their jaws open wide. He swallowed. "Propane is the best! Peggy, your charcoal sucks!"

Hank had forgotten all about what his son did today on the computer. He had also forgotten about Bobby's special dessert. Smoke was seeping into the house because Hank had left the patio door open slightly.

"Uggh," Bobby grimaced, holding his nose. "What's that smell?"

"Oh, yeah," remembered Hank, "your chocolate cake. I'll just be a minute."

Soon, Hank returned to the table. He set a platter of burnt wires, springs, and glass shards on the table in front of Bobby. "Here's your consolation dessert!" he announced. It didn't take long for Bobby to figure out that it was the remains of his laptop.

So, Hank and Peggy had chocolate brandy cake with hazelnut frosting, while Bobby looked at his dessert of computer parts in disgust.

"Bobby, eat your dessert so you can grow up big and strong!" Hank encouraged Bobby, as if he was talking to a preschooler.

"If I eat this, I'll probably grow into Inspector Gadget," scoffed Bobby sarcastically.

"Bobby, you earned it, you'll eat it!" Peggy said angrily.

Bobby looked at his plate, then reluctantly speared some springs with his fork. He slowly lifted his fork to his mouth and tried to swallow. He choked on the springs and eventually coughed them back up. "May I be excused?" he asked, getting up from the table and running to his room. He fell asleep, even though it was only 6:30.


End file.
